The Great New Year’s Resolution Hoax: Bullshit Goals for Bullshit Times

-

 


               Have you ever met someone who’s kept all their New Year’s resolutions? Of course not. That person doesn’t exist. The only people sticking to resolutions are fictional characters in Hallmark movies, and even they’d break if you put them in a room with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Resolutions are like flaming bags of dog crap we leave on our own doorsteps—predictable, pointless, and stinking of failure.

And yet, every December 31st, we play along. We pour champagne, kiss someone questionable with a cold sore at midnight, and make promises to ourselves that are as fleeting as our buzz. “I’ll lose weight! I’ll quit drinking! I’ll finally learn French!” Sure, Jan. By the third week of January, the gym membership is canceled, the wine rack is restocked, and you’ve convinced yourself that you’re fluent because you can say, “Bonjour, je vais totalement changer ma vie cette année.” (English translation: “Hello, I’m totally going to change my life this year.”) Spoiler alert: You won’t.

Let’s level with each other: keeping a New Year’s resolution is about as likely as finding a parking spot at Costco on a Saturday afternoon. It’s a nice fantasy, but deep down, you know it’s not happening. And if you’re one of those rare unicorns who claims to have kept a resolution, we don’t believe you. Show us receipts—or better yet, your therapist’s notes.

Resolutions are the adult version of writing a letter to Santa. “Dear 2025, I’ve been so good this year. Please bring me six-pack abs, perfect finances, and emotional stability.” The difference? Santa’s got elves. All you’ve got is a half-empty fridge, a pile of unpaid bills, and the crushing weight of reality.

Here’s the kicker: we don’t even believe in this crap. Resolutions are just performative optimism—a lie we tell ourselves because it’s easier than admitting that we’ll stay the same flawed, carb-loving gremlins we’ve always been. And society eats it up like it’s the last slice of New Year’s Eve pizza. We know the failure stats. Over 90% of resolutions crash and burn harder than your uncle at the holiday eggnog bowl. But we do it anyway, like moths to a flame—or boomers to Facebook scams.

So, what’s the takeaway here? Forget the lofty bullshit. Set attainable goals, like staying hydrated, not flipping someone off in traffic unless they really deserve it, or remembering to take your vitamins (or at least pretending you know where they are). You might not become a better person, but at least you’ll stay entertaining. And in a world full of fitness influencers and fake gurus, being the funny one might just make you the most tolerable asshole in the room. Cheers to that.

© 2025 UncivilTruth. All rights reserved. This content is the exclusive property of UncivilTruth and may not be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission from the publisher, except for brief quotations in critical reviews.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Prolly Gonna Snap: A Field Guide to Dipshit Words Destroying the Language

-
Image
  W e’re living in a time where words don’t mean anything anymore. The English language has been gutted, hollowed out, and left twitching in a ditch while morons clap like seals at TikTok slang that makes them feel “edgy.” It’s not edgy. It’s linguistic rot, and it’s spreading faster than herpes at spring break. “Prolly.” That’s where I snap. The word is “probably.” Seven letters, three syllables, and a shred of dignity. But no, some genius had to shave it down like they’re on a life-saving mission to reclaim two seconds. You aren’t saving time. You’re advertising brain rot. Every time you type “prolly,” you’re telling the world, I’ve surrendered to my own stupidity. “Today years old.” Every time someone types that, I lose another strand of hope for humanity. You’re not clever, you’re not relatable, you’re broadcasting that you just discovered the sky is blue and expect the rest of us to throw you a fucking parade. “Latinx.” Nothing says cultural sensitivity like a word th...
Read more

Rotten to the Core: Why We Don’t Fuck With Apple

-
Image
There’s always someone who can’t believe it. “Wait, you don’t have FaceTime?” No. We don’t have FaceTime. We don’t use iPhones. We don’t touch MacBooks. We don’t buy Beats, iPads, or AirTags. We don’t play with Apple anything. Not because we’re broke. Because we’re not dumb enough to pay premium prices to support a morally bankrupt tech empire that exploits workers, polices creativity, and sells you overpriced trash in a pretty box. This isn’t anti-tech snobbery. It’s moral clarity. Because Apple isn’t just another shady company. It’s a top-tier offender , and it has been for years. Child Labor, Sweatshops, and Lies Let’s start with the factories. Apple loves flashing that “Designed in California” badge like it means something pure. But the iPhone in your hand was built in a Chinese sweatshop , likely by a contractor like Foxconn or Pegatron. And those facilities have a history that’s not just grim, it’s criminal. In 2020, Apple cut ties with Pegatron after the company was caugh...
Read more

Common Sense Is Dead, and So Are Empathy and Intelligence

-
Image
S omewhere along the way, the country ran out of common sense and replaced it with TikTok takes and bumper sticker politics. Compassion packed its bags. Intelligence threw itself into a woodchipper. And all we’re left with now is a population of self-obsessed jackals gnawing on the last nerve of anyone who still thinks decency matters. People used to disagree and still sit at the same table. Now they fling conspiracy theories like hot grease and call it conversation. The loudest voices belong to the least informed, and the ones who actually know something are too exhausted to argue. You can have ten degrees and be ignored while a YouTuber with a ring light and half a brain screams about lizard people and gets booked on a morning show. We’ve glamorized ignorance. Celebrated stupidity. Put clowns in office and called it a movement. Politicians openly lie on camera, and instead of holding them accountable, we get think pieces about their “media strategy.” Strategy? These freaks couldn...
Read more