Customer Disservice: A Tribute to Retail Workers and the Assholes Who Torment Them

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 Let’s get one thing straight: retail workers are the real MVPs of modern society. They’re the ones keeping the wheels of commerce turning while enduring an endless parade of humanity’s worst offenders. And during the holiday season? The assholery hits an all-time high. From entitled jerks to full-blown psychopaths, the retail floor becomes a war zone, with workers facing an onslaught of coupon clingers, fitting room squatters, and loudmouth Karens.

The holidays bring out the worst in people. That festive cheer you hear? It’s a facade, masking the rage of shoppers fighting over the last half-off air fryer. And the poor souls working retail? They’re stuck in the trenches, dodging tantrums, sweat monsters, and the occasional Bathroom Bandit.

We haven’t even scratched the surface. There’s probably an entire book that could be written on the topic, but for now, let’s break down some of the worst offenders in this season of “joy.”

The "Too Good for Hello" Assholes


You know the type. You muster up a cheerful “Hello!” only to be met with… nothing. Not a nod, not a grunt, not even a glance. These people act like acknowledging your existence would deplete their energy reserves.

Oh, but when they need something? Suddenly they’re waving you down like they’re stranded on a desert island. Here’s a thought: next time they can’t find the sale rack, just give them the same silent treatment. Let them wander aimlessly, lost in their own assholery.

The Screamers


And then we have the screamers—the loudmouths who think they can solve every problem by yelling at the person behind the counter. Newsflash, genius: screaming at someone who makes minimum wage doesn’t magically make the register work faster.

Personally, I didn’t tolerate this crap. One loudmouth decided to test me, and let’s just say his head spun so fast, that he could’ve landed a role in The Exorcist. I verbally destroyed him on the spot. “Oh, I’m sorry, did you think yelling would get you what you want? How’s that working out for you, champ?” Spoiler: it didn’t.

The Wannabe Tough Guys


These are the jerks who think they can intimidate you with their big talk and puffed-up chests. Newsflash: I’m not your punching bag and have a shorter fuse than you. I’ve been this close to throwing down with several customers who thought they could fuck with me.

One guy made the mistake of stepping into my personal space to throw a tantrum over a return policy. Let’s just say he backed down real quick when I made it clear I wasn’t the one. Pro tip: Don’t start shit with someone who’s been folding shirts for six hours straight—they’ve got nothing to lose.

The Fitting Room Squatters


These assholes are the cockroaches of retail. Once they’re in the fitting room, good luck getting them out. They’ll try on every single item in the store, talking loudly on their phone the entire time. After six hours of making your life hell, they leave without buying a single thing, and the fitting room looks like a war zone.

A mountain of inside-out clothes blocks the door, tags and stickers litter the floor, and there’s always that one mystery stain that makes you question your career choices. Thanks for nothing, you entitled gremlin.

The Bathroom Bandits


Just when you thought the fitting room disasters couldn’t get worse, along comes the Bathroom Bandit. That’s right—these monsters use the fitting room as their personal toilet. And no, we’re not just talking about pee. Imagine finding that little surprise after closing time. Are you even in retail if you’ve never dry-heaved while holding a mop?

The "Too Good for Folding" Tornadoes


These jerks have no respect for the hours you spent folding and organizing. They rifle through stacks of shirts like they’re on a scavenger hunt, leaving everything in disarray. “Oh, I’m just browsing,” they say, as they turn your display into a landfill.

The Earbudhole

This guy waltzes up to the register with his earbuds firmly planted, completely oblivious to the fact that he’s holding up the line. You try to give him his total—once, twice, five times—but he’s too busy listening to the latest episode of Knitting Nazis or How to Be a Raging Shitbag.

When he finally notices you exist, he’s confused and annoyed, as if you’re the problem. “What? How much?” Dude, if you’re going to tune out the world, at least have the courtesy to tune back in when someone is trying to help you.

A Note to the Asshole Customers

To the screamers, the mess-makers, and the silent treatment snobs: we see you. We hate you. And if you think you can yell your way to a discount or treat us like dirt, think again. Some of us will clap back—and trust me, you don’t want that smoke.

To the Retail Warriors

You’re the real heroes. You’ve endured everything from loudmouths to literal biohazards, and you’re still standing. Next time someone tries to ruin your day, remember: you’re stronger, smarter, and probably way funnier than they’ll ever be. And if all else fails, just imagine them tripping on their way out.

© 2024 Uncivil Truth. All rights reserved. This content is the exclusive property of Uncivil Truth and may not be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission from the publisher.

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