The Great New Year’s Resolution Hoax: Bullshit Goals for Bullshit Times
Have you ever met someone who’s kept all their New Year’s resolutions? Of course not. That person doesn’t exist. The only people sticking to resolutions are fictional characters in Hallmark movies, and even they’d break if you put them in a room with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Resolutions are like flaming bags of dog crap we leave on our own doorsteps—predictable, pointless, and stinking of failure. And yet, every December 31st, we play along. We pour champagne, kiss someone questionable with a cold sore at midnight, and make promises to ourselves that are as fleeting as our buzz. “I’ll lose weight! I’ll quit drinking! I’ll finally learn French!” Sure, Jan. By the third week of January, the gym membership is canceled, the wine rack is restocked, and you’ve convinced yourself that you’re fluent because you can say, “Bonjour, je vais totalement changer ma vie cette année.” (English translation: “Hello, I’m totally going to c...